Do you ever feel really detached from life? Like you’re on autopilot and even though its going okay, good even, you aren’t really all there. You’re only reacting to everyone else’s actions but not actually doing anything for you.
You laugh when someone tells a joke, you smile when someone says something to you, you say you’re good when someone asks how you are, its reflex. Its a routine, a pattern over and over and over again until it feels automatic. Its autopilot, except for your life.
And one day I’ll just blink, I’ll wake up from this haze and just wonder where I went for that time. At least where I went for that time, where my mind traveled to without my body. And the more I try to be me, the more awkward I feel, and the more numb I get. I’ve kind of lost myself for a little while now and I’m just trying to find her again.
I have been surrounded by people but I can’t grasp their conversations. I almost overcompensate for not truly listening, by adding in anything I can that seems remotely related. By blurting out things just to talk. But I don’t want small talk, I want actual conversations. Deep, personal conversations. I feel like I’m hearing everything underwater. Its just foggy in my ears and fuzzy in my brain. I’m not all there. And I feel bad about that but I can’t help it. I don’t have time right now, my heart is waiting for something else more important.
Usually, I wouldn’t think of it as a good thing, I would begin to think I was headed back down a dark path again. Because thats where I went last time I was like this, but I don’t feel that with this part of me. I just feel content, okay, as indifferent as can be. And to me, its the time my soul and bones need to really bring out a new person. A new me. This is the start of a new chapter maybe, and I just need to focus all my energy on the inside, rather than the outside.
I am going to wake up from this one day and be different. I’ll look around at the same world, the same people, the same reflection, and see a new perspective. And thats okay. I guess I’m changing, I’m working on growing up. I am excited to find out who this new girl is and what she wants. Because as of right now, I have no idea. I’m still turning out.
Who’s going to be there to see how I turn out?